tiMe, Why do I make plans, Is it what keeps my mind flowing in the now, somehow this moment is not enough I need to be doing the next thing , or what? Will everythin stop? I breath without thought and my impulses are swift, The heart knows what to do without me thinking it. This is the mindset i want, to just act out and do, whatever? However I make plans, some for today some for the future. But part of me does not believe these plans will happen. most of my plans don't. I think that I will go somewhere and the next day that changes and I go somewhere else. a full day of work will forgo to the lure of the ocean and I find myself surfing and skirting all responsability. No I do not think this is a bad thing, My path is not one of duty but of moments eprvecent with my lust for life. Just once I want a day to go without my mind in total controll, not thinking of the next thing or the next place or my next love who I know is just around the corner. just this breath and then maybe the next.

I have a friend who is restoring an old house from the 1700's on one corner board the other day there were thousands of honey bee's. I called a girl who raises bee's and she took a look and thinks there could be 20,000 bee's and a huge hive full of honey, monday she is bringing an extra suit for me and we will remove the wall and find the queen. She will have a new home in a loving yard with lots of organic grown flowers and she and her collony will thrive. I feel like a little kid and am so excited to do this, 20,000 bee's put into plastic totes and brought to there new home. I have heard so many stories lately about bee's getting more and more rare as pesticides and chemicals are killing many of them. I am so very happy to be able to save the bee's.

The sun , bright in my eyes, I stare into the woods, so many tree's so many shadows. In this field I am safe and comfortable. alone , need to go into the dark forest to blend my shadow with the wood to have it conform with the rock and moss to try and move through. My shadow is mine, secrets, stories, heard by few ears I hold them dear. when I come out the other side will they be the same?

I have made some great connections for my trip this winter. I reconnected with an old friend and she invited me to take part in a demolition derby in West Virginia. then off to visit several friends. An ex girlfriends new BF is giving me his solar home in New mexico for a month and his neighbor is some crazy guy like Hunter S Thompson, (he likes to blow things up). that will be interesting. I am voluntearing for 2 weeks at Glide ( a church in San Francisco ) and that is an amazing place" www.glide.org ". I am helping a friend who moved to Arizona set up his wonderfull home there. There is a beautiful wonderful girl in Memphis who plays bluegrass and I will stay with her for a week of music,music, music. also Georgia, Florida and cleaning stables in Colorado. I look forward to blogging my journey here and would love ideas and input if anyone has any. what a wonderful mid life crisis. Ken

today, cool air, salty, the tree speaks, wind like spirits on my flesh, I want for nothing, calm meditation, thoughts flow through like leaves on the stream, passing, my mind forgets all, sweet smell of the sea, nothing comes and nothing goes, be still, be empty, just sit and breath in. just be

how much love do I have for myself? why do I abuse myself all the time? I do not want to feel any more. The dark humor helps me get through the day. I am sinical and sarcastic and find hummor in such sickness today I wonder where the kind loving person went. I am not always like this. I help people I hold doors for people and smile at you on the street. Lately I feel the need to feel pain, I run till it hurts, I eat to much and purge. In my past I used to cut myself to feel. Icut me! what the hell is that. I am supposed to love me. I should be kind to Ken. he hurts sometime. I want to feel everything without coverring it. How can I be happy here, now? what do I need? The four noble truths in Budist philosophy remind me of the power of attachment. what am I holding today. is it the relationship stuff? No this has nothing to do with her. I was lonley in the relationship. is it the house? No I am leaving anyways. I guess I am just dark today but maybe the light will shine in the morning and tonight I will sit, in zazan and feel this mood and accept the emptyness, I will love tomorrow. When I bow I bow to you. Ken

ok this was weird two of my ex's are in New Mexico (near Texas). So close to each other that part of me hopes they will turn a corner and see each other. I am ok with both of them and they have met but what a strange sensation that would have to be as they both have different dinamics with me even today. would they talk and about what? These crazy thoughts are some of my favorite things. I love my imagination. even better if the recent one was with her new man. I bet she would think I sent the other one as my hitwoman. that would be so cool. I would love to get the phone call's just for entertainment sakes. God I am weird and I love it.

Yesterday I spoke at a meditation group. I prayed before and spoke for around 20 min. I do not remember what I said I was not listening my mind has been far away. this morning I went for a five mile run along the seashore in the fog, forgot my ipod so only had my head to listen to, very hard run today pushed myself, maybe I am pushing to hard. I can not stop crying now. I am rediculously sad. I run to keep my mind in checkm and now I am stuck crying. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts, so many emotions, everything feels so intense right NOW. I am struggling against the universe, determined to get my way. I will not. I know more than that. why so lonely I have many people, why so sad I have much gratitude? is this fair? what is fair? what and where is the message? kEn

My phone rang today, a distant connection, on the other side a voice of compassion and love. We share pain and laugh at our fear. coffee dates for the future, dreams of couches and old cafe's, a tear of joy in the knowing that I as a person have held so many hearts in my hand and without ever knowing it I have helped and changed people. now these people are here with me, in spirit. they suround me and there light keeps me whole. Are these not the treasures I have put away for that rainy day. I sit in my yard on the bench and my heart is filled with Such joy. I thought that I needed a lover in my life to feel whole and I already have hundreds of them. and I am at peace.

hot, wet, air like water, fan blowing the muggy wind around, not much refreshment, I am inside out of the sun today. people are grumpy, roads and beaches full of angry people, I do not like airconditioning I want to feel the blanket of heat, the wet shirt. I ran yesterday in the sun. 5 miles in hot sun, feels like I am alive. sweat pushing myself for another step. I am doing it again today. I am right here. now. present in this moment. I move to change my mental and physical self. Slowly I begin to appreciate this freedom. soon I will move much faster. in many ways. I can not wait.